This week has been especially hard on me and my family. I’m working really hard to be calm and neutral, approaching difficult situations from 0 instead of marching in at 9. It is not easy.
Particularly, it has been really hard to understand my son’s feelings, where they are coming from, and how to help him. I’m leaning back on my intuition that was birthed anew when he was born, searching for answers in the silence. I believe that we are all born with intuition and growing in our society, survival within it has been thought to require the suffocation of our intuition. But becoming a mother reset the scale for me. The more I listen and engage with this gift, the stronger it is. And when parenting gets hard, its what I go back to.
I really want my children, as male presenting people, to learn how to process their feelings, how to deal with them in constructive ways, in ways that do not tear other people down. The last three days have been very draining for me. I’ve wanted to quit and go back to what I know. Being forceful, exerting my will to make him move the way I want him to… To make him stop making me uncomfortable. But what is that teaching him? That bigger people make the decisions.
One day, at least one of my children will tower over me. I am resolved to continue to keep going back to the drawing board to find ways to help them process their feelings and perhaps be men who know how to say, “This thing makes me feel…”
This morning, there was another meltdown and I made sure to grab a copy of The 5 Love Languages of Children to read on my commute and at lunch today.
I’m trying. I don’t have all the answers, but I’m trying.